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Sunday, November 24, 2002
Bitching. The act of bitching is one of man's best inventions (or should I say woman's best inventions?). What is bitching? Dictionary.com defines bitching as "to complain." I happen to really appreciate all that is bitching, and everything there is to gain from bitching. In fact, the primary function of this site is as a tool I can use to bitch about things to a lot of people. Everyday, there are tons of new problems that happen to me that I bitch about. Now that I think about it, I only post the biggest bitchality (yes, that's not a word) that happens to me. Just imagine how huge each post would be if I bitched about everything...this is one of those post.
I got up this morning, and realized that I have no fucking money in my account. Well, I have less than $10 dollars but I can only take out money from the ATM in $10 dollar increments. It's a real drag to go from having all the money in the world ($3000) to having nothing. I know what you're thinking..."you probably blew it all away on boos and drugs!" Well, no. I actually used the money legitimately...at first. I spent several hundred dollars at a time on junk food and drinks (that I openly shared with my roommate). I spent several hundred dollars on clothing (and I still look as every bit dorky now with new clothes, then I did with the old - but that's another bitchality). I spent $850 on a 21-meal-per-week meal plan. I spent $400 on textbooks. So far, the grand total of money spent comes to [drum roll] around $1850...so I have $1150 left to burn. Blah blah blah...now I have nothing. Today, I spent every minute trying to find 75 cents in my room to buy a drink. It took me all fucking day! I'm that poor right now. I'm that nasty water from the sink faucet because I can't afford drinks right now. I am totally suffering right now, and it's not cool. You may not know it, but having $3000 free at your disposable really teaches you how easy it is to spend money, and how fucked up it is when you don't have it anymore. I've learned my lesson, but I'm still gonna bitch about it. I articulated this situation to one of my online friends earlier, and I'm going to try and do it again. I am so lonely when I'm sitting in my [dorm] room. When I'm in here, I yearn to just go outside and socialize with a bunch of people. However, when I'm out [trying] to socialize, I yearn to go back to my [dorm] room. It's just a vicious cycle that will never ever end. I hate this shit! Then I discovered the problem and its solution. The reason why I'm lonely in my room is because I don't have anyone in here that I can connect to. It's really fucked up having someone in your room, and then acting like that person isn't there. What went wrong? At the beginnings of this [now failed] relationship with my roommate, I really made a conscious effort to find some common connection. There were just no sparks I assume. I'm the type of person that needs something to click in order for me to act natural and sincere towards a person. There's gotta be this immediate connection. It never happened, and I hate to say it...but it never will - because I'm a stubborn fucker. From now on, I'm gonna assume that connection will never happen and I'm dealing with it. Any serious communication between the two of us is up to him because I gave up. And from making an educational guess b/c of recent events, it's not gonna happen. I ponder over this, and wonder if it's a race thing. A black white thing. Maybe he's stereotyping me, and assuming I don't want to have anything to do with white people because I'm black - maybe. Maybe he just got the same problem I have...no sparks. From my point of view, however, I didn't really see him attempt to get to know me; I was the questionnaire. Maybe he's just not a talker, but a listener. I'm a listener by day, and a talker by night. ...despite all these assumptions, bottom line is: he did something that makes me uncomfortable to be myself around him. I'm fucking censoring myself around him because I don't want to freak him out! I'm a controversial little bastard -- oh, and cocky, hypocritical, and extraordinarily unique. I am such a unique individual. In my head, every time the lights go out and we go to bed, I just stare up at the ceiling and think, "well...it's your lost. You're missing this awesome opportunity to get to view the world through another perspective." You may be wondering why the hell I'm not trying to get his perspective of the world. Well, that because I'm stereotyping the fuck out of him (I told you I was hypocritical). He seems so shallow. I only push myself into socializing with someone only if there's something to be gained - either I could get a little closer to understanding human nature, or because the person is just so different from me that it opens my eyes to a totally new way of viewing the world. If you stand all my good friends side by side, you'd find that all of them are completely different from the other. I have improved my life as a result of getting an in depth knowledge of their persona. So there's nothing about my roommate that persuades me into knowing him a little better. I look at him, and I see a cliché. One word: hippy. ....so you might be wondering why I don't discuss this with him. Well, I don't want to. It's significant enough to bitch about, but it's not significant enough to push myself into actually having an intellectual conversation with. I am such a philosophical person. LOL (yes, I'm laughing to myself), I tend to say some pretty crazy pointless stuff...but they're all valid. If you hear me saying some retarded shit that doesn't make sense, congratulations! You are officially a close friend; a person I feel totally comfortable around! You should pat yourself on the back. Trust, experiencing me in such a goofy and crazed state is a rarity, and only happens to people I feel could either give me a closer understanding of human nature, or just open my eyes to a totally new way of viewing the world. You're special. You're not just a cliché. I've made attempts to act like that openly to everyone, but I would just get offended by them. In other words, they would be laughing at me instead of with me. That constant fear of being laughed at makes me go in "quiet mode". It's kind of like my defense mechanism. I'm such a quiet person around groups of people when I don't know a majority of the people. They're just not in my comfort zone yet. This flaw of mine has prevented me from having fun at parties. Every time someone ask me if I want to go to a party, I quickly turn them down. I know I will be uncomfortable out there with a bunch of people I don't know, so why torment myself (I'm anti-asceticism if you know what I mean). "So how do you find friends you're comfortable with then????" Well, it all goes back to that spark thing I was talking about. Something has gotta just make me naturally start talking to them with any force. It's just gotta flow. I don't know what specifically triggers it - I'm still trying to figure that out. All I know is that when I get in this drunk state of mind, I'm one interesting character. All I know is that this transformation only happens when I'm incredibly sleepy, or I'm talking to someone I feel comfortable being around. I am such an honest and vulgar person. The real me, not the fake one I play on a show I like to call "Dorm Room Blues," will just be like, "Shut the fuck up bitch!" I say harsh things, but I don't mean them. It's just playing around. I'm so tired of these conservative, stick-in-ass fucks who take that shit seriously. I'm just playing around I'm so tired...of people who are constantly telling me what I should or shouldn't say. I want to say what I want to say when I want to say it (which is why I hate being in my room so much). Censorship. It's no good. I'm the type of guy who enjoys speaking before thinking of what to say. Supposedly, America gives me the right to do so. Unfortunately, the American society couldn't care less. "You've gotta be politically correct at all times, or you're satan!" Fuck being politically correct! It doesn't do me any good! I'm so sick and tired of white Americans referring to me and others like me as "African Americans." Fuck that! I'm not a damn immigrant! Calling me an African American makes me feel like I shouldn't be here...that I really should be in Africa "where I belong." Fuck that! You know what you should call me? You know what my race should be? I'm not black, I'm not an African American, I'm not a black American, and fuck you if you think I'm a nigger! There shouldn't be any fucking races. We shouldn't label and classify people on their fucking race! Yes...for descriptive reasons, say I'm dark skinned. don't call me "a black guy!" I'm not black, I'm dark skinned. Fuck you if you've every said: "that black guy" , "a black guy", "this black guy", "black people", "an African American", etc. Fuck you! If you people want to be so politically correct, understand this: it's not at all politically correct to classify some one by race! Case closed. Anyone who says, "an African American" in order to sound politically correct is a hypocrite. (yes, it's very hypocritical of me to call someone else a hypocrite...screw you!) I love listening to people's problems. I consider myself to be a good counselor because I took some classes in high school. When it comes to me telling someone else my problems...it's gets a little complicated. I have a handful of people who really seem sincere, because they actually give advice and solutions to my problem. Or just simply give me sympathy ..."That's tough" , "That sucks", "True." I'm just tired of people who tell me all there fucking problems, and I try to be there for them...but then when I'm the one who has the problems, they don't have any fucking time for me. I'm just "bitching." Isn't that one of the main reasons to have a friendship? Having someone that you're comfortable enough to bitch about things to? Well, I sure as fuck thought so. There's only a couple of people I know who do this, so it's no biggie. Anyway...I think I've bitched enough for one night. All of the bitchalities (I'm liking that word more and more!) discussed here, I thought about once through uh....yesterday. As you can see, I'm one sad/hypocritical/unique/indifferent person. If you want a great example of an individualist, I'm right fucking here. If you stereotype me, you're one dumb ignorant fuck! ¶4:10 AM e-mail me (0) comments (0) commentsBack To Blog top September 2002 / October 2002 / November 2002 / December 2002 / January 2003 / February 2003 / March 2003 / April 2003 / May 2003 / June 2003 / July 2003 / August 2003 / September 2003 / October 2003 / November 2003 / December 2003 / January 2004 / February 2004 / March 2004 / April 2004 / May 2004 / June 2004 / July 2004 / August 2004 / September 2004 / October 2004 / November 2004 / December 2004 / January 2005 / February 2005 / March 2005 / April 2005 / May 2005 / June 2005 / July 2005 / August 2005 / September 2005 / October 2005 / November 2005 / December 2005 / January 2006 / February 2006 / March 2006 / April 2006 / May 2006 / August 2006 / October 2006 / December 2006 / April 2007 / August 2007 / September 2007 / November 2007 / January 2008 / February 2008 / March 2008 / April 2008 /
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