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Tuesday, December 10, 2002
3 hours ago, I had a serious panic attack or something. I wanted to cause serious harm to someone someway. My palms were all sweaty....and I would see someone, and think..."Don't fucking say a word to me or i will punch the fuck out of you." And when I got to my room, I was so close to getting kicked out of College Lodge. I took 4 alka-selzers and 4 tylenols (together)...and just ran into the shower. I wasn't in control. I was so broke down. All this stress from my History exam...but then I figured out it wasn't the stress from that exam. The reason I was so upset was because I was so mad at myself for being so defensive when people cracked jokes about me just to play around. I'm was so tired of not knowing why I can't talk to one person, and how I can talk and talk and talk to another. I wanted to know why!!! Why was I so defensive, and why is it hard for me to "talk talk talk" to everyone? I figured it out, and I'm so happy and ::cough:: calm now. (I had a very interesting conversation with myself.) The reason I'm defensive is because I'm a very paranoid person. I'm always thinking people are making fun of me, and when they do under any context (playing or what not), I get so goddammed defensive. Then I got mad at myself for being paranoid. Then I thought, "maybe I should just laugh it off." Then I thought, "Hell no, because you don't want to hide your feelings and be this guy who lets people walk all over you." I'm proud that I'm so defensive, because I'm being real. I'm not this fake person. I'm being myself, and if a person has a problem with it...they can kiss my ass. Fuck you if you're gonna clown on me in front of people; I don't have to be a good little boy and laugh it off. The reason I can talk to one person, and block someone out of my "talk to" list is simple. Again, I'm not being fake. If I don't have any connection with someone, I'm not going to be fake and pretend to be interested in what someone says. Screw that! That's why I'm a quiet people around certain people....it explains a lot. I'm proud of myself once again, for just being real. I'm not pretending to naturally always have something to say to someone. I've been mad at myself for not talking to certain people, but now I know it is okay. I'm not suppose to be able to talk to everyone. The ability to talk to someone on a level I'm comfortable (not this..."what's up" blah blah small talk shit), is something I cannot control. I can't flip the switch and change my personality like a lot of people. I've learned through my experiences that being myself is the way to be. I've been being myself all this time, and didn't know it. When a person ever talks to me, they are getting me...not some projected image of me in order to be socialable. If we're not compatible, we're not compatible. There's nothing I can do about it. And, there's some environments that I just do not function in.
Another problem is that I analyze too many things. I just need to stop trying to guess what the situation is, before it happens. That's a real bad habit that I've always done in the past to protect myself from ...evil. And sometimes I make things more complex then they need to be. I've learned regardless of my problems, the best thing to do about them is to not worry about them. I have spent hours at night just looking up at the ceiling thinking about me. I think that's problematic. I'm creating my own problems by trying to figure them out! How fucked up is that? ¶12:11 AM e-mail me (0) comments (0) commentsBack To Blog top September 2002 / October 2002 / November 2002 / December 2002 / January 2003 / February 2003 / March 2003 / April 2003 / May 2003 / June 2003 / July 2003 / August 2003 / September 2003 / October 2003 / November 2003 / December 2003 / January 2004 / February 2004 / March 2004 / April 2004 / May 2004 / June 2004 / July 2004 / August 2004 / September 2004 / October 2004 / November 2004 / December 2004 / January 2005 / February 2005 / March 2005 / April 2005 / May 2005 / June 2005 / July 2005 / August 2005 / September 2005 / October 2005 / November 2005 / December 2005 / January 2006 / February 2006 / March 2006 / April 2006 / May 2006 / August 2006 / October 2006 / December 2006 / April 2007 / August 2007 / September 2007 / November 2007 / January 2008 / February 2008 / March 2008 / April 2008 /
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