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Friday, January 31, 2003
Get me out of this dorm room! Please! Someone help me! I can't take the confinement any longer. I feel like a dog that was trained to return back to its cage after its owner releases him. I feel like a hobo who has nothing left but a box; the hobo desperately wants to get out of that fucking box and live in a house, but there's no where else available. I feel as if my the toilet and having diarrhea is symbolic to my current situation - I want to get off of this toilet and enjoy my life, but I got the fucking squirts; I'm stuck on top of this damn toilet w/ a sweaty ass. I think you get the mofo-ing picture. Gosh, and the stress...the need to always be happy and open to talk to...the temptations cause by so much peer pressure...the fear of waking up and slashing a couple of throats b/c I'm tired of being too honest to people, or not honest enough....the hassle of constantly censoring what you say in order to not piss people off...the feeling of pure shit whenever I walk in the room and immediately I can't be myself...Bottomline, I'm tired of censoring myself so strictly. But I'm so scared to say the things I want to say for some reason. I'm hesitate what I say because of a fear that I will be perpetually alienated from that/those person(s). It's bullshit. Being political correct, and being the norm is bullshit! Why can't I say certain things freely without harsh criticism? Why must I simplify who I am to make others feel comfortable???? And when I do that, I feel uncomfortable. I'm the one who "suffers." They don't even realize what's going on in my head. I must be a damn good actor. I really hate pretending to respect people when I get the impression that they don't respect me. It's a waste of my motherfucking time, so why should I bother? The communications will never reach a level I'm comfortable on, so why bother? The only thing that makes me sane is [drum roll] music. It enables me to block out the outside world. It enables me to think about things I want to think about. I feel the freest when I have seclusion from the world. [warning: cliché up ahead] I feel like me. Seclusion gives me a chance to organize my often misunderstood thoughts; I can find out that I understood why I said what I said perfectly. I'm just a very misunderstood unstable person at times. The cure is seclusion for a little while...then I'll be able to put on my "pretty face" and make everyone happy again.
¶12:24 AM
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