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Friday, June 13, 2003
::yawn:: Two days ago, I had a "date" with a girl-friend of mine. How'd it go" It went great sort of. I don't think I'll ever purue a relationship with her because the connection isn't there. I can't be myself around her. I tell her about some of the things I did in college, and she can't believe it. Her idea of me, and what I'm really like are totally contradictory. I found myself censoring some of me from her (which I did to my roommate), which means there's no hope in having a meaningful (or retarded) conversation with her. The whole time, she was talking to herself. She was literally having a conversation to herself. I was only giving the oportunities of saying..."Oh....Uh-huh....You don't say....Wow." That is not the type of conversation I like having. Some of you may think it's my fault; that I should just be myself and stop pretending I'm someone I'm not. Yeah, I should have. Maybe then, she would see how incompatible we really are. I was trying to spare her the discouragement. I was trying to be sensitive. Obviously, she wants us to become something we can't be. But on the other hand, when I look at her I really want to do things to her. When I was driving, (since I only drive with my left hand) I felt like putting my right hand on her thighs and seeing where that would take me. Everytime I look at her, I wanted to kiss her. So I was pondering, "How can I turn her into a friend w/ benefits?" But I try to avoid doing that, because it would probably make things worse than they already are. Soooo, I've reduced her to friendship status - I have no promotions in store for her. I know it's not impossible to find a girl that's compatible with me. I found 2 girls who are fuckable in college, and there 3 girls fuckable her. What do I mean by fuckable? Someone that I share similar interest with. SOmeone that I can be myself around. Someone I would mind getting in a relationship with. That's it. I don't ask for much. Meanwhile, another one of my friends lost there virginity. I feel the pressure to SCORE, but I don't really want to. I'm too scare that I might fuck up my life - either by getting a girl pregnant, or getting in a crud relationship that I'll never get out of. The funny thing is that ALL of my friends who've had sex have all had a time where they thought their partner was pregnant (or they were pregnant). For some they weren't, for others they were (unfortunately). My right hand is all the woman I need at the moment (I could never get it pregnant). To all my friends who've gotten laid, more power to you.
¶1:38 PM
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