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Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Trip To Texas Part One: Getting Pulled Over By The Cops and MoreThe Trip Begins.onward hoe! ----------------------------------------------------- During Winter Break (Dec. ??? until Jan. ??? - can't remember), one of my good friends from Anderson SC (a.k.a. - Shitville) told me about how he and some friends are getting together to go to an anime convention in Texas. ...A-KON Bitches!!!! I've never been to any convention of any kind, and I never really go on trips. In fact, the furthest west I've gone was Atlanta Georgia (I think). So what the hell, I agreed to go. There were plans of 5+ people going, renting a van, and having ourselves a grand-ole road trip complete with countless adventures scattered with the occasionally prostitutes, bums, and other shit like that to laugh at. How could anyone turn that down? After you read part three of this 4-part miniseries of doom, you'll find out why this was quite possibly the worst trip I've ever been on. Well, the time had come. It was time to set our sails towards the biggest island in the American ocean: Texas. Home to great things like...like(?): Hank Hill, propane gas, rednecks, cows, trees, a couple of sky scrapers, and an anime convention??? (WTF) Things changed. Only three people were going now, including myself, and we were going to go in a car. At this point, I really didn't know where exactly we were going in Texas, or what the itinerary was going to be when we got there. Who fucking cares?!! I was going to be in Texas for a week. On June 2nd @ 6AM in the morning, a very good friend, a friend & I were off on our journey. We had a 16-to-20-hour expedition ahead of us...hoooooraw!! Yippie Ka-yay Motherfucker. Yes, the famous John McClane (spellcheck) quote was in my head. Instantly, we were in Georgia. Afterall, it's only next door to Anderson SC. Been there, done that. But suddenly, after about 50,000 fucking counties with nonsensical Native American tribe names (the best one was "Tallapoosa" because poo is funny, ha ha har), I was the furthest west I have ever been. It was great. And then suddenly, I was the furthest west I had ever been again...about a second later. And then the most shocking thing happen in just one more second - I WAS THE FURTHEST WEST I HAD EVER BEEN. So that continued in my mind for about 17 hours. Mississippi was boring as fuck! The highlight was crossing the Mississippi River...and that's about the only coolness there is about Mississippi. Every moment I was in Mississippi, I kept thinking about that John Grism book "A Time To Kill" for some reason. Literally, everytime we saw signs of civilization, it was like looking into the past about 50 years. I kid you not, whenever we had the windows down I swear I could faintly hear "GO BACK TO AFRICA YA NIGGER! git her done." coming from all directions. Seriously, why the fuck would those idiots w/ IQs below the average length of a penis (or the average depth of Ms. Cuntberger) make the name of their state so goddamn confusing to spell? Who knows. But I do know that Alabama (or Alabamy as I heard it when we stopped at a gas station) was worse. Yes, I do know we drove thru Alabama before Missississippi...just call it the Quentin Tarantino Effect bitches. Telling a story sequentially is for fags.  Getting Pulled Over By The Cops by lassie the drug dog ----------------------------------------------------- The driver (the friend, not the very good friend) was consistently going 90+ mph. Needless to say, I was pretty freaked out the entire drive there. Another needless thing to say is that the driver was scared of getting pulled over by a cop and getting el ticketo (note: I will never attempt to incorporate spanish into a post ever again because it sucks). The driver was going 90+ mph when we passed by a stationary cop on the side of the interstate. SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! We freaked out, but the cop didn't move or anything. So fuck it, whatever. Five minutes later, we passed by a moving cop in the slow lane. As soon as we passed the cop, it swerved into our lane tailing us like dingleberries tailing a retarded kid who has a hairy ass. SHIT!!!!!!!!!! So we got in the slow lane in hopes that the cop would pass on by. Well, he didn't. In fact, he did something much better - he turned on his lights (this motherfucker is pulling us over). SHIT!!!!!!!!!! Of course there was mass hysteria inside the car. My very good friend was asking rhetorical questions like - how fast were we going? very fast shit, what was the speed limit? slower than we were going etc. No, I'm not trying to make him sound dumb. In spite of how fast we were previously going, we were actually not speeding this time, and the driver new it. So what could this cop be pulling us over for? The cop walked up to the driver side, tapped on the window, and told the driver to step out of the car with his license and registration. My very good friend and I were in the car alone. Both of us said "shit" quite a lot in there. He actually got his camcorder out and filmed some good quality action. But shit! The cop was backed and tapped on the passenger side. "Sure, can I see your license for a minute?" the cop said. He gave him the card, and asked us questions about our destination, our reasons for heading there, you know ...just to make sure our stories collaborates with the driver's story. I guess we passed the test because soon after he was telling us to have a nice day. When all out of the blue, another cop car pulls up. SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!! So here we are, pulled over in Louisiana with two fucking cop cars with us. I'm sure the folks who passed by thought this was some serious shit happening. The driver (my friend), my very good friend and I were all three in the car wondering "what the fuck is going on?" Because by that time, the first officer (deputy dipshit) had told us that he basically pulled us over because the driver was driving wobbly-like (but that was because he missed his goddamn exit you fucking retard). The second officer (deputy dookie-eater) tapped on the glass, and told everyone to get out of the car. SHIT!!!!!!!! We're on the side of the interstate, standing beside the cars in direct sunlight. It had to be the hottest place in America ...fuck it was hot. They asked us if they could use their drug dog to do a search for any illegal substances. None of us had anything to hide, so we were all like "Sure goddammit, search our fucking shit because we don't give a flying fuck!" Deputy Dookie-eater then opened up his cop car, and low and behold a goddamn collie comes bursting out happy as shit. They immediately took the dog next to the small forest we were parked by to sniff around there - guess they thought we could have thrown something out. You know what the dog did? It found a tree, and started pissing. It lasted probably 2 minutes I tell you. The three of us were bedazzled by the dog's lack of focus. It was fucking hilarious.  The dog finished pissing and started sniffing the car. We didn't worry too much about it because afterall, none of us had weed in the car (notice I didn't say "none of us smokes weed"). Then we heard an, "arf arf." Oh shit. Why the fuck is Lassie barking? I don't see a goddamn well anywhere, that bitch needs to shut the fuck up. Fuck Timmy. The Deputy Dookie-eater was done with the dog, and put him back in the car. He walked to us and told us "the dog smelled something, most likely pot." The cop kept asking us to 'fess up now if we have anything. "What a dumbass," I thought. He told us he was going to have to search through all of our bags. "Sure, what the hell."  It was so hot. We sat there on the ground, as two cops were searching through our bags. I felt like a criminal. The fact that their were two cop cars behind our car, two cops searching through our bags, and cars zooming by can all make a brother feel uneasy. I was utterly bored. I noticed a fire ant hill at the foot of the micro-forest in front of us, and decided to give it a little kick.Deputy Dookie-eater: "What did you just do?" Me: "I kicked a fire ant hill." Deputy Dookie-eater: "Why did you do that?" Me: "For entertainment." That's right folks. During the police search, I kicked in a fire ant hill for entertainment. My friends told me I was stupid, but they just don't understand the definition of entertainment! The didn't understand my true intentions: I wanted to see how on edge those cops were. Again, I found something that was fucking hilarious. Those cops were thinking I threw something in the woods...maybe some pot? I was surprised when they didn't frisk us, but thank goodness. I didn't feel like having some old Louisiana cocksuckers feeling up my pecker. Was I wrong for not wanting that? They told us they didn't find anything; they were looking very sad. They told us to have a nice day basically. We got in the car, and as we drove off I noticed those cops were scanning over the fire ant hill I had kicked in. FUCKING HILARIOUS! It's great messing with cops. Overall it was a scary experience. All I can say is thank Allah I was with two white guys, otherwise I'm sure things would have gone a different way. Not that I'm a paranoid black man, it's just that during the entire ordeal they would not talk to me, or acknowledge my existence (only until I kicked in that ant hill). They would only ask for my friends' licenses, and they would be the ones questions were addressed to. I fucking hate Louisiana. What are the odds of us getting pulled over again when we came back through Louisiana? Pretty fucking low, however we did in fact get pulled over a second time when we drove back through Louisiana. I'll tell you more about that in part four. ¶7:49 PM e-mail me (1) comments (1) commentsBowlby Here......Awesome and 100% Accurate Story telling ya got going....
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