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Wednesday, June 29, 2005
The Best Review of Tom Cruise War of the WorldsThat's the title right? "Tom Cruise War of the Worlds" I swear, every movie that guy's in, they always have his name as big as the title of the movie.Examples:   Anyway. Today I saw it, and it's fucking amazing. The movie was so tense, so violent, so bloody ...there was so much death, and carnage, and mayhem. Just to give you a sample of the disturbing images you'll see, human bodies get turned to ashes in an instant, and you eventually get a Tom Cruise with human ash covering up his face and clothing. Now that's fucking awesome. I would definitely give this movie a 5 out of 5, even if it has a weak last 15 minutes. It's about 1500 million times better than The Passion of Christ, I found the funniest review online (because I'm too lazy to review it myself). It put me in tears...enjoy. LYT's Weblog - Review of War of the Worlds Note: This review is funnier after you see the movie. And my way of doing things is reading reviews after I see the movie anyway because quite frankly, every fucking review out there ruins some small detail for me. It drives me crazy. ¶5:27 PM e-mail me (0) comments The Douche Bag Of A Drummer That Dismantled A BandYeah, I was becoming a member of a band. We had 3-4 guitarists, and a drummer. We even had a vocalist who could scream like a goddamn banshee from hell. Everyone was dead serious on becoming a great band. We even had some songs lined up and coming to form. But then tonight all hell broke lose, and we are a band no more. No more late night jam sessions. All because the drummer was being a douche bag. This douche bag just happens to be the very same reason my very good friend (who's also in the band) and I didn't have fun in Texas. Why the band broke up is a accumulation of a lot of things that I'd rather not talk about due to how stupid an issue it was. Oh what the hell. I left the door open at our last rehearsal. I was the last person to leave the house yes, but I figured if wasn't my house - I was the guest. Usually when I have a guest over at my house, I make it my responsibility to make sure I shut the door after them and shit like that. Apparently, this douche bag of a drummer thought it was common sense for me to shut the door since I was the last one out. No one told me that was the case because usually you'd hear someone say, "last one out shut the door...etc." I didn't hear that at all, so I didn't think about it. Common sense for me is the host being fully responsible for the security of his or her house. Duh!This douche bag of a drummer insisted on calling me stupid, retarded, and even asked if I was raised in a barn. Sure, I got pretty pissed off. The douche bag's grandmother or some shit had told him that band rehearsals would cease to exist in that house if the door can't be shut. So this douche bag was holding me responsible for losing the band's practice locale. WTF. It's not my fucking house, I don't know the protocol. The douche bag also kept saying shit could have been stolen. Fucking duh man. But nothing was stolen. So this dumb douche bag of a drummer just kept calling me dumb and telling me shit could have got stolen. I tried keeping my cool by saying that nothing was taken, and that it was his responsibility to ensure the security of his on property. I mean damn, that's just common sense to me. Things escalated when my very good friend kind of step in and took up for me. He got pretty heated, and brought up all the shit we had to put up with in Texas (more on that in a later post) - he was in fighting mode to be exact. But luckily nothing that bad happened. It all ended with him declaring his retirement from the band and storming out. I actually tried to smooth things over by going up to this asshole and telling him, "I really am sorry for leaving the door open." And he didn't say anything like "that's cool," instead he told me to leave. WTF. So at that moment, I exiled myself from the band as well. Fuck this guy if he doesn't know how to be mature about these little meaningless feuds. In fact, there had to be an ulterior motive behind his disdain for me. I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe he's jealous of how my very good friend and I were becoming better friends than the douche bag and my very good friend were (sorry if that's confusing...I just don't want to use real names). Maybe he didn't like the idea of me writing some kick ass lyrics and participating in the band; gaining a more important role in the band with every rehearsal. Shit, maybe it was a sprinkle of racism, who knows. All I know is that he was so out of line for the way he brought up this issue towards me, and that any ill thing that occurs to him as a direct result of this incident serves his crippled ass right. What! If I was white and he was black, I would have said "black ass." If he was fat I would have said "fat ass." What's wrong with "crippled ass"? I did in fact write the lyrics to our first song. Well, the unofficial lyrics to the first song. And since now there is no possible way it'll get finished, technically the lyrics belong to me and me alone. I was inspired by the way this douche bag treated my very good friend and me in Texas, and the lyrics to this song were addressing my feelings on the subject. Enjoy the unofficial lyrics to our very first song that'll never happen now. Keep in mind, it's all directed towards him - the douche bag of a drummer. why the hell, would you put me through this (shit or again) thoughts of hate, ruined my quiet evening you were my friend, without you I'd be all by myself now I know, you're just like everybody else I hate the sound, of your voice, right now mental anguish, mixed with anger and frustration FUCK, how could you do this to me YOU, you're just a piece of shit FUCK, you make me want to scream YOU, (you) fucked up the friendship it's all your fault, you shouldn't think that it's amusing shut your face, I do not want to hear excuses all I wanted, was sincerity and remorse it didn't happen, now I hate you even worse I hate the sound, of your voice, right now mental anguish, mixed with anger and frustration FUCK, how could you do this to me YOU, you're just a piece of shit FUCK, you make me want to scream YOU, (you) fucked up the friendship I fucking hate you don't fucking talk to me right now [pause] there's no what's up there's only why did you fuck me over <<< SCREAMING >>> FUCK, how could you do this to me YOU, you're just a piece of shit FUCK, you make me want to scream YOU, (you) fucked up the friendship you were my friend, and you were, my brother now you're a cunt, one sick dumbass motherfucker FUCK, how could you do this to me YOU, you're just a piece of shit FUCK, you make me want to scream YOU, you fucked up the friendship So there you have it. The rise and fall of a band. It only took about 6 months. Oh how we rocked out. It was good times, but with a douche bag of a drummer like that, it was positively impossible for those good times to keep on rolling. For now on, I'm going to ignore that flaccid "I can't get it up" cocksucker as if he's a nobody...nothing, nada. I once thought he was worth befriending since my very best friend befriended him, but now both of us thinks he's nothing but a big old pile of shit. A big old pile of shit with a handicap sign stuck in it. Good riddance. Honestly, if he were to die at this very moment, I wouldn't give a shit about it. UPDATE (12:44AM): Apparently things were talked out, and the band is back together again. Just taking a break. Regardless, I'll probably never be apart of it again. It's just not worth it at this point. I had fun and all, it's just I'll never forgive this douche bag for saying all the things he said to me over something so superficial. I truly hate him right now. To do what he did to us in Texas, and then to come at me with this shit ...that's the last fucking straw. I know now his true character, and I can't fucking stand it. My very best friend may put up with it, but I don't have to put up with that shit at all. It'll take a lot of apologizing on his part for us to get on speaking terms again, and I know for a fact that he'll never do that. And I also know what little hopes of us getting buddy buddy again has been greatly diminished by this post, but frankly I don't give a fuck. Because after he reads this, he'll understand how angry I truly was and hopefully it'll make him just as anger. I'll get my sweet revenge, and justice will be served. UPDATE (June 30 @ 7:20): I was going to say a lot of mean things about this guy, but I changed my mind. I'm just gonna talk it out with him, and see what happens. If you guys want to read what I wrote about him, e-mail and I'll send you a copy. It's pretty fucking mean, lol. Thanks for "listening," it really helps me deal with the stress. ¶12:28 AM e-mail me (7) comments Tuesday, June 28, 2005 The Bible's Shopping ListIf the Holy Bible went to Wal-Mart...----------------------------------------------------------------- Things that would be on its shopping list: Jew repellant - made by the same company who manufactures RAID miscellaneous Christian albums - the bible is all about some exploitation Cherrios - because they put the "Oh" in Holy Ex-Lax - due to the Bible being clogged up with so much shit, it needs some immediate release right away Any Disney Movie - because those are the only types of movies the bible can stomach. Anyone who watches something like Dawn of the Dead is immediately getting sent to hell when you die. The American Flag - because America and the bible are tight, they're like brothers in arms fighting the good fight against everyone and everything that disagrees with them. Fuck with the bible, you're going to hell. Fuck with America, we're going to give you hell then send you there after we're done being sinful ourselves. Whip - because you can't have a good bible story without slaves getting whipped sooner or later Things that wouldn't be on its shopping list: Oreos, Milk Duds, Napolean Ice Cream - basically anything where different colors unite, because we all know that it's sinful for our foods to be "interracial." Belly Rings & Ear Rings - because the bible hates it when us humans self-mutilate our bodies. However, it's perfectly alright for an external force to fuck up our bodies. And birth defects are just plain cool. Hooray for Down Syndrome! The bible especially loves that one. Guns - but only if the guns aren't being use to encourage Christian ideology. If you're going to kill someone in the name of the lord, than that's perfectly fine (right George W. Bush) Condoms - because the bible believes if you're going to fuck, you need to fuck with the intention of making babies. Afterall, giving birth to a child when your in poverty is the Christian way of doing things. It's just plain stupid to wait until the optimum time to foster children. ¶3:53 PM e-mail me (11) comments Who's More Evil, Bush or Suddam?kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. BushMy mom told me to never say kill George W. Bush on my site because I might get in trouble with the law based on the retarded Patriot Act. So in retaliation to her authority and the authority of the American government, I give you this table of truths (brought to you by Satan and all that is evil).  Based on the number of checks both candidates recieved, I'd say Bush is more evil; or at least, as evil as Suddam Hussein. So which one should be executed? I'm not at all a Christian, but based on one of their most controversial ideals - "an eye for an eye" - and since our country is based off Christian ideas and beliefs, I would argue that not only should Suddam Hussein get executed, but also George W. Bush. Now that that's out of the way, it's time for me to flee the country before the feds come a knockin on my door and arrest me due to the grotesqueness of the Patriot Act. It's ironic really. This country taunts at others how its people have the freedom of speech, yet if you say something that the government doesn't agree with, they can slap your ass in prison just like that. It turns out that the Patriot Act isn't patriotic at all. All of this is only more proof of America's perpetual suckiness, Christian hypocrisy, and flat out stupidity. kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush kill George W. Bush ¶2:52 PM e-mail me (0) comments Sunday, June 26, 2005 Party: I Made Every Jew Shed A TearThis has nothing to do with the Texas trip (I'm working on those posts), but last week or so I was at my friend's birthday party in Charleston. I met a Jewish girl there (well half Jew or something), and she kept making all of these black jokes towards me. I was getting really annoyed, but I'm a nice guy so I don't really show my distaste for them. Well she said something along the lines of, "I haven't talked to my parents in a long time, I don't really know what's up with them."I replied with, "Well, have you checked the oven?" ...needless to say, she wasn't too happy with that tasteless joke. But in my mind, it served her right. Of course I didn't mean anything malicious from it. My best bud from Charleston did the infamous, "Ouuuuuuuuuuu...." which didn't make it any better. I felt bad. I felt really bad for saying that, and I apologized profusely. Eventually we started drinking boos (PJ), and we were all wasted. So at the in of the night, it was all good. If she can make jokes about the color of my skin and picking cotton and shit, why the hell couldn't I tell her to check in the oven for her parents? Was I insensitive or was she? The answer is both of us. ¶12:46 PM e-mail me (7) comments Wednesday, June 15, 2005 Trip To Texas Part One: Getting Pulled Over By The Cops and MoreThe Trip Begins.onward hoe! ----------------------------------------------------- During Winter Break (Dec. ??? until Jan. ??? - can't remember), one of my good friends from Anderson SC (a.k.a. - Shitville) told me about how he and some friends are getting together to go to an anime convention in Texas. ...A-KON Bitches!!!! I've never been to any convention of any kind, and I never really go on trips. In fact, the furthest west I've gone was Atlanta Georgia (I think). So what the hell, I agreed to go. There were plans of 5+ people going, renting a van, and having ourselves a grand-ole road trip complete with countless adventures scattered with the occasionally prostitutes, bums, and other shit like that to laugh at. How could anyone turn that down? After you read part three of this 4-part miniseries of doom, you'll find out why this was quite possibly the worst trip I've ever been on. Well, the time had come. It was time to set our sails towards the biggest island in the American ocean: Texas. Home to great things like...like(?): Hank Hill, propane gas, rednecks, cows, trees, a couple of sky scrapers, and an anime convention??? (WTF) Things changed. Only three people were going now, including myself, and we were going to go in a car. At this point, I really didn't know where exactly we were going in Texas, or what the itinerary was going to be when we got there. Who fucking cares?!! I was going to be in Texas for a week. On June 2nd @ 6AM in the morning, a very good friend, a friend & I were off on our journey. We had a 16-to-20-hour expedition ahead of us...hoooooraw!! Yippie Ka-yay Motherfucker. Yes, the famous John McClane (spellcheck) quote was in my head. Instantly, we were in Georgia. Afterall, it's only next door to Anderson SC. Been there, done that. But suddenly, after about 50,000 fucking counties with nonsensical Native American tribe names (the best one was "Tallapoosa" because poo is funny, ha ha har), I was the furthest west I have ever been. It was great. And then suddenly, I was the furthest west I had ever been again...about a second later. And then the most shocking thing happen in just one more second - I WAS THE FURTHEST WEST I HAD EVER BEEN. So that continued in my mind for about 17 hours. Mississippi was boring as fuck! The highlight was crossing the Mississippi River...and that's about the only coolness there is about Mississippi. Every moment I was in Mississippi, I kept thinking about that John Grism book "A Time To Kill" for some reason. Literally, everytime we saw signs of civilization, it was like looking into the past about 50 years. I kid you not, whenever we had the windows down I swear I could faintly hear "GO BACK TO AFRICA YA NIGGER! git her done." coming from all directions. Seriously, why the fuck would those idiots w/ IQs below the average length of a penis (or the average depth of Ms. Cuntberger) make the name of their state so goddamn confusing to spell? Who knows. But I do know that Alabama (or Alabamy as I heard it when we stopped at a gas station) was worse. Yes, I do know we drove thru Alabama before Missississippi...just call it the Quentin Tarantino Effect bitches. Telling a story sequentially is for fags.  Getting Pulled Over By The Cops by lassie the drug dog ----------------------------------------------------- The driver (the friend, not the very good friend) was consistently going 90+ mph. Needless to say, I was pretty freaked out the entire drive there. Another needless thing to say is that the driver was scared of getting pulled over by a cop and getting el ticketo (note: I will never attempt to incorporate spanish into a post ever again because it sucks). The driver was going 90+ mph when we passed by a stationary cop on the side of the interstate. SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! We freaked out, but the cop didn't move or anything. So fuck it, whatever. Five minutes later, we passed by a moving cop in the slow lane. As soon as we passed the cop, it swerved into our lane tailing us like dingleberries tailing a retarded kid who has a hairy ass. SHIT!!!!!!!!!! So we got in the slow lane in hopes that the cop would pass on by. Well, he didn't. In fact, he did something much better - he turned on his lights (this motherfucker is pulling us over). SHIT!!!!!!!!!! Of course there was mass hysteria inside the car. My very good friend was asking rhetorical questions like - how fast were we going? very fast shit, what was the speed limit? slower than we were going etc. No, I'm not trying to make him sound dumb. In spite of how fast we were previously going, we were actually not speeding this time, and the driver new it. So what could this cop be pulling us over for? The cop walked up to the driver side, tapped on the window, and told the driver to step out of the car with his license and registration. My very good friend and I were in the car alone. Both of us said "shit" quite a lot in there. He actually got his camcorder out and filmed some good quality action. But shit! The cop was backed and tapped on the passenger side. "Sure, can I see your license for a minute?" the cop said. He gave him the card, and asked us questions about our destination, our reasons for heading there, you know ...just to make sure our stories collaborates with the driver's story. I guess we passed the test because soon after he was telling us to have a nice day. When all out of the blue, another cop car pulls up. SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!! So here we are, pulled over in Louisiana with two fucking cop cars with us. I'm sure the folks who passed by thought this was some serious shit happening. The driver (my friend), my very good friend and I were all three in the car wondering "what the fuck is going on?" Because by that time, the first officer (deputy dipshit) had told us that he basically pulled us over because the driver was driving wobbly-like (but that was because he missed his goddamn exit you fucking retard). The second officer (deputy dookie-eater) tapped on the glass, and told everyone to get out of the car. SHIT!!!!!!!! We're on the side of the interstate, standing beside the cars in direct sunlight. It had to be the hottest place in America ...fuck it was hot. They asked us if they could use their drug dog to do a search for any illegal substances. None of us had anything to hide, so we were all like "Sure goddammit, search our fucking shit because we don't give a flying fuck!" Deputy Dookie-eater then opened up his cop car, and low and behold a goddamn collie comes bursting out happy as shit. They immediately took the dog next to the small forest we were parked by to sniff around there - guess they thought we could have thrown something out. You know what the dog did? It found a tree, and started pissing. It lasted probably 2 minutes I tell you. The three of us were bedazzled by the dog's lack of focus. It was fucking hilarious.  The dog finished pissing and started sniffing the car. We didn't worry too much about it because afterall, none of us had weed in the car (notice I didn't say "none of us smokes weed"). Then we heard an, "arf arf." Oh shit. Why the fuck is Lassie barking? I don't see a goddamn well anywhere, that bitch needs to shut the fuck up. Fuck Timmy. The Deputy Dookie-eater was done with the dog, and put him back in the car. He walked to us and told us "the dog smelled something, most likely pot." The cop kept asking us to 'fess up now if we have anything. "What a dumbass," I thought. He told us he was going to have to search through all of our bags. "Sure, what the hell."  It was so hot. We sat there on the ground, as two cops were searching through our bags. I felt like a criminal. The fact that their were two cop cars behind our car, two cops searching through our bags, and cars zooming by can all make a brother feel uneasy. I was utterly bored. I noticed a fire ant hill at the foot of the micro-forest in front of us, and decided to give it a little kick.Deputy Dookie-eater: "What did you just do?" Me: "I kicked a fire ant hill." Deputy Dookie-eater: "Why did you do that?" Me: "For entertainment." That's right folks. During the police search, I kicked in a fire ant hill for entertainment. My friends told me I was stupid, but they just don't understand the definition of entertainment! The didn't understand my true intentions: I wanted to see how on edge those cops were. Again, I found something that was fucking hilarious. Those cops were thinking I threw something in the woods...maybe some pot? I was surprised when they didn't frisk us, but thank goodness. I didn't feel like having some old Louisiana cocksuckers feeling up my pecker. Was I wrong for not wanting that? They told us they didn't find anything; they were looking very sad. They told us to have a nice day basically. We got in the car, and as we drove off I noticed those cops were scanning over the fire ant hill I had kicked in. FUCKING HILARIOUS! It's great messing with cops. Overall it was a scary experience. All I can say is thank Allah I was with two white guys, otherwise I'm sure things would have gone a different way. Not that I'm a paranoid black man, it's just that during the entire ordeal they would not talk to me, or acknowledge my existence (only until I kicked in that ant hill). They would only ask for my friends' licenses, and they would be the ones questions were addressed to. I fucking hate Louisiana. What are the odds of us getting pulled over again when we came back through Louisiana? Pretty fucking low, however we did in fact get pulled over a second time when we drove back through Louisiana. I'll tell you more about that in part four. ¶7:49 PM e-mail me (1) comments top September 2002 / October 2002 / November 2002 / December 2002 / January 2003 / February 2003 / March 2003 / April 2003 / May 2003 / June 2003 / July 2003 / August 2003 / September 2003 / October 2003 / November 2003 / December 2003 / January 2004 / February 2004 / March 2004 / April 2004 / May 2004 / June 2004 / July 2004 / August 2004 / September 2004 / October 2004 / November 2004 / December 2004 / January 2005 / February 2005 / March 2005 / April 2005 / May 2005 / June 2005 / July 2005 / August 2005 / September 2005 / October 2005 / November 2005 / December 2005 / January 2006 / February 2006 / March 2006 / April 2006 / May 2006 / August 2006 / October 2006 / December 2006 / April 2007 / August 2007 / September 2007 / November 2007 / January 2008 / February 2008 / March 2008 / April 2008 /
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